A silent battle

I am a 17 year old girl, but I’ve had gastroparesis since I was presumed to be just 7. When I was 14 things took a turn for the worst. Upon puberty a disease I didn’t even know I had was activated, and I lost an insane amount of weight. Because I was a child I had no idea what was going on, so I stayed in bed as though I was sick (which I was, horribly). I was eventually rushed to the hospital and an NG tube was placed. That was hard not only for me, but seeing the reactions of those around me. I was able to gain a good amount of weight over the years, but gp is back with a vengeance, and it’s the summer before my senior year. Except this time i’m not a child. I know the feeling of feeling ill, know that I don’t HAVE to stay in bed because i’m not contagious. So I push myself. I play tennis, maintain a 4.0, run track, work, prepare for college because it’s my dream to get into Upenn. But everything hurts so bad. A couple weeks ago I had a follow up GI appointment where they were already suspicious that my weight had been plummeting. I knew that when they saw how much I had lost I would be tubed and so I choked. I drank three bottles of water and faked my weight, even making it look like I had gained 2 pounds. I know it was stupid and I instantly regretted it, but I’m not ready to be sick again. The people around me are worried. They call me skin and bones, skeleton. I’ve been compared to how a child looks when their arms and legs are sticks but they’re tummy’s get bloated. And it’s so hard too because deep down I know i’m skinny but to be honest I don’t feel it because of how perpetually bloated I feel. I know i’m not fat, but I constantly feel like I am until I look in a mirror and see a ghost. I’ve lost an additional 6 pounds since that faked doctors appointment, almost 15% of my body weight in total. I feel so sick and tired and malnourished every day. I’ve tried all the diets but it’s a matter of being physically incapable of getting more than 500 cals down a day. I truly feel alone and don’t know what to do. I’m not ready to wave the white flag, but I truly feel like i’m dying.